GAYS IN THE NFL....ROGER GOODELL REMINDS EVERYONE HE'S GOT OUR BACK

With all the recent hoopla surrounding Jason Collins coming out in the NBA (even though he's a 34 year old free agent who hasn't signed with a team yet) it was mostly missed that Roger Goodell, the commissioner of football, re-iterated the NFL's support for any possible gay players and that no harassment of said players should occur. Reading over the policy it seems pretty standard to one you would see at most any large corporation, but contemplating some of it bring to mind a myriad of things. Here's a section that deserves further attention:

HARASSMENT AND DISCRIMINATION

Harassment can include, but is not limited to:

Unwelcome Contact: Any unwanted touching, pinching, kissing, hugging or deliberate bumping or brushing against another’s body.--hmmm, In the NFL this would pretty much exclude anything that happens on the field. I mean they tackle, pat each other on the ass, high five, hug in touchdown joy, pile on. I mean there's a wealth of touchy feely--ness going on in tight pants and jock-straps. So what's a boy to do?!

Jokes, Comments and Antics: Any jokes, comments or pranks regarding a co-worker’s sexual orientation, such as giving someone a sexual gag gift or having entertainment of a sexual nature take place to celebrate an employee’s birthday, etc.--okay, well this just takes all the fun out birthdays. What are the guys supposed to do if they can't get a stripper for their buds? I'll tell you now it's going to cause a severe drop in the need for strippers that's what. Strip clubs from Vegas to New York will slowly begin to close, more people will be out of work--bartenders, pole cleaners, those guys that do the buffets, trashy sequined out fit makers..I mean how many more people can go on unemployment in this country? Do we really need to take away jobs from the already unfortunate single mothers out there?

Generalizations and Put-Downs: Demeaning or hostile comments regarding one’s sexual orientation, including offensive or degrading words or phrases.---this one will definitely be hard for them. Use of the term 'faggot' has become so ingrained in their macho psyches, it rolls off their tongues as easily saliva. When you've been taught from the coaching hierarchy on down that the best way to anger and de-masculinize your opponent is to call them one, it's tough to change how you've been carefully taught. Just ask African Americans. Alas, this will also put an end to the oft quoted 'fuck you man!'

Pornographic or Suggestive Literature and Language: Pornography of any kind on bulletin boards, lockers, on someone’s desk or cubicle, or sent to co-workers via interoffice mail, email or text, fax, social media or voicemail. Any artwork, posters, photos, videos, screen savers, cartoons or written statements of a sexual nature.--Again, you are messing with an entire industry here, magazines, calendars, etc. of porn seem common place for these guys, but then if they don't spend the money there they will have more to buy extra expensive cars and extremely oversized gold jewelry and  get more tattoos so those industries would be a safe bet to invest in. Though twitter could suffer since they won't be able to send out anymore 'dick picks' or "accidental" sex tapes. And really art is very subjective, one man's photo of penis is another man's Mapplethorpe, so whose going to be the judge? And if you are going to include cartoons then you may as well just ban all manga from locker rooms now. 

Granted, no NFL players have actually come out yet (if at all) and though I kid here, it is still a good thing to make sure protections are in place if they ever do (while still playing and not after being retired for a number of years). Because athletes are just like everyone else and they need to evolve like the rest of us. Times change and we as humans need to change with them. What may have seemed right a few years ago doesn't necessarily hold true today. Societies and peoples who don't change and grow will either get left behind or vanish altogether. So mind your p's and q's and fu's and whatever else you let roll off your tongue, cause you never know, your best friend/teammate might actually "play for the other team". 

#beautiful MARIAH CAREY FEATURING MIGUEL..SNAP JUDGEMENTS

So Mariah dropped a new song the other day and it's called "#beautiful". Yes the hashtag is actually part of the title so let's take a listen shall we.

Hmmmm.....#interesting. It's a very short song which does make it radio friendly. It's different than stuff she's done. Has a kind of "wall of sound" quality to it. That's a Phil Spector reference for you young kids out there and if you don't know what or who that is then look it up on f**king Wikipedia. There's a bit of her vocal gymnastics in there but not too much that it makes dogs bark and angels fall out of the sky. It's remarkably subdued for Ms. Carey. #Surprising. Though I'd say it's more like Miguel featuring Mariah Carey as opposed to current billing. It's been awhile since she's really had a hit and her last few attempts have been met with tepid response at the best. I mean does anyone remember the song she did for the closing credits of "Oz: The Great and Powerful"? Did anyone actually even sit through the credits? It was a cute trifle but not anything terribly memorable. Props I will give her for trying something different than she's done in the past. And she's not fallen into that musical trap of singing a pop ditty then having a rap breakdown, but then she's been there done that too, so why repeat past mistakes. Plus it's been 5 years since she last had a real hit and I'm sure she thought being on American Idol would help give her career a little push but seriously that didn't work for JLo it ain't gonna work for her. All it really does is put her little bit crazy out there for the public to see on a twice weekly basis as opposed to the occasional weird interview with Barbra Walters. 

But I kid Ms. Carey and her whack-a-doodle-ness, it's what makes her memorable and let's face it she can sing. "Vision of Love" is like da' bomb from way back, it's the perfect pairing of voice and song and always will be. I mean every one should go back and listen to how pure her voice is. But back to present day. It a good and different song and I kind of like it and after 5 or 6 listens it does sort of grow on ya'. Granted it's not exactly burning up the iTunes charts. It actually trails behind that new Selena Gomez song (which I kind of like--and see kicking it with the Biebs does help your career) and some song from "The Voice", which is kind of ironic since "The Voice" is crushing "Idol" in the ratings too. 

Will it be a big hit? I think the jury is still out on it right now. It should probably debut in Billboards Top 10 next week based on early sales and airplay so it will at least return her to familiar territory. It also makes me curious to see if she continues this sound departure on other songs from her forthcoming full length album. In all her unicorn and rainbows craziness I still think she can sing and I will be looking to hear if she can continue to #surprise. And I'm sure the dance remixes will be #slammin'!

THE ELTON JOHN AND MADONNA FEUD IS OVER! FANS OF POP BITCHINESS SHED A LITTLE TEAR

One of the greatest feuds in pop music history sadly came to an end (supposedly) the other day and here's the video: 

So it happened last summer in a restaurant in France of all places, a country where being bitchy is a national pastime. For decades now they've both been trying to prove they are either the "Queen of Pop" or more likely the Queen of England, even though there is only one Queen in England and they should both bloody well remember that. Of course, if you look at the history of all the talk, the majority of it does seem to come for Elton himself. The older he's gotten, the less he seems to give a f**k what he says or what people think and sometimes he does run off at the mouth. It does make for great soundbites and entertainment gossip news. Here are some of his highlights:

"Madonna--best f**king live act! F**k off! Since when has lip-synching been live? Anyone who lip-synchs in public on stage when you pay 75 pounds to them should be shot. That takes me off her Christmas card list. But do I give a toss? No."--these days Elton just sits behind a piano so he hasn't been and spectacular live act that much these days either. 

"She's such a nightmare, she looks like a f**king fairground stripper."--true but that's always kind of been her shtick. Though, if anyone can spot a nightmare, it's probably Elton. 

"Madonna, the miserable cow, wouldn't do it." When she turned down an invite to Elton and David's bachelor party.--she probably should have gone, she'd have had her pick of the few hot straight guys there, but she probably thought it'd just be a bunch of really old queens telling dick jokes.  

"Make sure you lip-synch good." When asked to give advice to Madonna for Super Bowl performance. --well she actually did. 

"Madonna. Best song?? F**k off!!! Madonna winning Best Original Song (at Golden Globes) truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in its narcissism. And her criticism of Gaga shows how desperate she really is."--Elton actually lost this award to her, so jealous much? But he's right, we stopped taking the Golden Globes seriously when Pia Zadora won one. 

"Die Another Day...worst Bond tune ever!"--At the time I might have agreed, since though, Cheryl Crows was pretty bad too and the one by A-ha wasn't all that memorable either.

"Why is she such a nightmare? Sorry, her career is over. Her tour has been a disaster and it couldn't happen to a bigger c*nt."--from one big c*nt to another missy!

Ah, Elton, he is just full of the bon mots isn't he. But sadly since they have mended their fences (or egos more precisely) who will he turn his attentions to now. He does have two kids so lets hope he will mellow out a little more in their presence, but the occasional flippant remark will still be welcome and I'm sure we will be listening. Now bring on more Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey!

VANILLA ICE GOES AMISH...I THINK THE JOKES WRITE THEMSELVES

Vanilla Ice, where have you been? Oh, yes, hiding out on  the DIY Network with the Vanilla Ice Project. And now comes word that he's branching out and Vanilla will live in an Amish community in Ohio and learn about construction. Obviously he has a background in it already as he has been flipping houses in Los Angeles since the end of his moment in the sun, I mean white can't rap that funky music forever now can he? Reality television is all about conflict, and what better way to fake create that than throw a washed up 80's "rapper" who used MTV to become a star in with a bunch of no technology using folks. I can see it all now--"Raise a barn Jebadiah? Hell no, I wanna raise the roof! What?! Word to your mutha!" But we kid Mr. Van Winkle (another unfortunate name). He's managed to stay in the public eye since freakin' 1989, riding his 2 hit wonder status (yes he had 2 top ten hits people and a greatest hits package!) onto other projects. I mean who can forget him on the Surreal Life season 2 with Erik Estrada, Tammy Faye Baker Messner, Ron Jeremy, et al--it was a classic in the early days or reality "realness." And really can anyone forget "Ninja Rap" from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze movie? Well, maybe you can, or more likely you've purposely forgotten it---"go ninja, go ninja!" Seriously though, here's ten things I'd like to see on the show:

1. An intense discussion on the merits of sampling--intellectual robbery for which you'll burn in hell or musical tribute even if the song created is crap?
2. Tattoos--is it still artwork of the devil if you get a Bible passage inked on your back?
3. Ice and Jeremiah having a talk without either one of them saying "yo' dog!"
4. Ice trying to figure out why the teens don't know who he is and who is this old man they keep referring to behind his back.
5. Ice and the young folk out for a joyride---in a buggy.
6. Who will break first--Ice admitting he really has no talent or the Amish dudes admitting they really don't know jack about barn raising.
7. Vanilla commiserating behind the newly raised barn with a joint after they told him no they really don't need him to rap the Bible for them.
8. Vanilla trying to understand that baptism is not Amish code word for skinny dipping.
9. A GIF of the head Amish guy just shaking his head over and over and over again at everything Ice says and does.
10. I really, really, really, hope Ice challenges the Amish crew to a rap battle supreme and "bring this barn down!" Which the Amish don't really understand since they just put the barn up.

Obviously, none of this will ever happen, but then again, where reality television is concerned you never know. Are you listening DIY Network? Please make this more interesting than just wood screws and putting up a barn--I beg you--you could have a buzzy goldmine here so don't bore us or it down.

BEYONCE'S "BOW DOW (I BEEN ON)"...SNAP JUDGEMENT

Beyonce released, dropped, posted, put out, let go in the internet world a new single called "Bow Down/I Been On" and here it is:

Hmmmmm.......that was.....welllll.....I don't really know what that was...maybe I need to listen to that again. Ow, ow...okay stop. Wow someones been listening to Skrillex a bit too much or was massively inspired by "Harlem Shake" --watching too many of it's virile videos on YouTube. Of course I should preface this all by saying I've liked a lot of the stuff Beyonce has put out over the years, I even bought that last so-so album "4". I mean "Love On Top" really is an underrated gem and deserved more airplay. That being said, this song really is a train wreck of an idea mixing pseudo dub-step, electronica, rap, etc to create something that is at times, painful to listen to. I guess the bigger question is what was she thinking or better yet, is she at that point as an artist/celebrity that she gets an idea and runs with it while her producers/handlers/friends just nod their heads along telling her this is great, she's the best and continue her delusion that this was worth releasing on the world? I could add that maybe she is just experimenting with stuff and thought hey, let's put it out there cause my fans are really gonna love me stretching myself as an artist, but I think she proved with that last album that folks are not big fans of "the experimenting." I mean this is worse than "Run The World (Girls)". And let's face it, there is a reason she did a medley of her old solo hits and some Destiny's Child stuff at the Super Bowl--this new stuff just ain't cutting it.

It seems to be a phase she is going through, just like Mr. Timberlake, though at least his stuff is halfway listenable, this so clearly is not. Sure, she may think she needs to try and stretch herself as an artist, but I say for someone like Beyonce it isn't necessary or something we are really looking for her to do. She's got a better than most voice and killer dance moves and if she wants to try a different sound than she should call up Calvin Harris and go clubby, I mean it work for Rihanna who can't really dance and has an okay-ish voice. Think of what it could do for Beyonce. Hopefully this is just a small blip on her musical horizon and it won't make the final cut of her next album seeing as how across the board, folks don't like this. Though coming on the heels of a less than stellar last album, I still have concerns that she's not listening to the people that really matter most--those of us who actually still buy music and not download illegally. (Seriously, I hope she's not turning into Gwyneth Paltrow and totally losing touch with the reality of the rest of us.)

If nothing else she did manage to keep her name out there and become a bit of polarizing talk on the internet in between her Super Bowl appearance, her "documentary" and whenever her next album comes out. I can only hope at this point this is merely a blip on the road to her releasing the banging R&B/club dance album we so desperately want from her to return her to the top of the charts, because this single clearly is none of that. All I have to say is---GIRL SNAP OUT OF IT AND GET YOUR DANCE ON!!

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE "THE 20/20 EXPERIENCE" A TRACK BY TRACK REVIEW

In case you haven't heard Justin Timberlake has a new album/cd coming out next Tuesday and if you haven't heard then, seriously, you must have no internet connection or television or possibly living under a rock in the desert, but he has been everywhere. From the Grammys to Saturday Night Live to a full week on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I will give him kudos for making the big promotional push, in this day and age of music you really have to get out there and market yourself across as many media streams as possible to find the widest audience as possible considering music sales of most things, besides downloaded singles, are in a general decline. It's not like the heydays when an N'SYNC album could sell more than a million copies in its first few days of release. These days it really takes more, but after that, is the album any good? After the first single, "Suit & Tie", dropped I gave a snap judgement, not the full album is streaming on iTunes before its release so why not give it a live blog listen and commentary to see what he has in store for us.

1. "Pusher Love Girl"--starts, middles and ends with a sparse falsetto, which after awhile can be a bit much, like he's straining to hit the notes, but in a mellow way. Kind of reminds me of some 80's Prince circa "Sign O the Times". What's that? Someone is repeating wool! in the background over and over, kind of like that sample from the Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock song "It Takes Two", though not as irritating as that. Oh, it's a slow rap breakdown at the end that goes on and on and on...ugh this song is over 8 minutes long. Eh...not sure what to really make of this. 

2. "Suite & Tie"--see previous snap on this in yet another song with a rap breakdown. At 5:26 one of the 2 shortest songs on the album though feels longer. 

3. "Don't Hold the Wall"--It's a jungle groove!! The beat seems a little off and I can't quite get into it. Another rap breakdown, I think I see the common theme. Parts of it remind me of that Nelly Furtado song "Say It Right" did Timbaland produce this? A little weird it kind of changes to a faster beat at the end like two different songs. Not a lot of lyrics going on here. Yeah, not a fan. 

4. "Strawberry Bubblegum"--starts off like a scratchy 70's 45 record, wait is that Barry White or the ghost of doing some sexy rap in the background? Hmmm...more falsetto. It's a slow groove with a beat, someone has been hanging around with Robin Thicke too much. Well, it ain't awful, I can see it being a big R&B hit.  

5. "Tunnel Vision"--yes more rap and more weird beats, it's a little hard connecting with it. Sounds a little like "Strawberry Bubblegum Part 2" and sped up a bit. Wait, the songs changing into sort of another song with, ooh, fingersnaps and violins (or synths that sound like violins) it's another 2 for 1 song. He's definitely not making this experience easy to like. 

6. "Spaceship Coupe"--hmmm....they are all starting to sound a little samey. Though this one is a little more trippy..."hop into my spaceship girl...only room for 2...to the milky way?" Wow, its now turned into a freaky 70's soul, let's get down song. I'm flashing back to "Float On" by the Floaters meets " I Want'a Do Something Freaky To You" by Leon Haywood meets "Dream Weaver" by Gary Wright. This is definitely a "they smoked some weed and wrote and sang this song" song. Maybe that's what I need to do to appreciate it more, or maybe not. Wait a prolonged guitar solo. Now its slowed way down again and sort of lulling me to sleep.  It will be a huge hit...in 1975.

7. "That Girl"--he's totally going for full on 70's R&B with big band sound, like James Brown without the raspiness. I really think he believes he's black. I like Stevie Wonder's "That Girl" better. Well, at 4:47, at least it's the shortest song on here. 

8. "Let The Groove Get In"--It's Latin salsa night with the Miami Sound Machine!! Ugh..how many times can you repeat the same lyric over and over? I think this entire album is trying to find that out. It's definitely his Miami club groove song but it will need a massive remix--somebody get David Guetta on the phone now! Wait there's a beat change (another common theme) now it's a little more dance music-like--again 2 songs for the price of 1, how many is that now? Still not a fan of all the falsetto. Did Jessica Biel clip his balls or what?

9. "Mirrors"--the new single which I do kind of like. It is the most radio accessible of all these songs. I think I like it because it feels like a sped up version of "Cry Me A River", which I hold up as his best song. Could be a huge club smash with a remix from say Avicii or Kaskade. Ok, this song is 8:05, too long, could lose this last 2 minutes which has turned into experimental trippy, again, which doesn't match the beginning of the song--not a fan of this part--fast forwarding. 

10. "Blue Ocean Floor"--Odd. Slow. Ballad thingy. More musical trippiness. Is he going through some art-school experimental phase? It's like Enya meets whale songs. Gawd, this goes on for 7:22, I'm exhausted. I can see this being used as background music in an art house movie where a young girl paddles around the ocean in a canoe contemplating her place in life and with nature....or maybe just over the end credits. 

And thank heavens that's the end. Yes, there are only 10 songs on this, but at an average length of 7 full minutes this cd clocks in at just over 70 minutes of music. And now that I think about it, this is like one of those 70's concept albums where the you listen to the whole thing to create a full experience in musicalness (hence the title of the album). It's like a Delfonics record mated with a Peter Gabriel led Genesis record, take from that what you will. So to recap--trippy, experimental, falsetto, rap breakdowns--if these appeal to you then buy this cd when it comes out. For the rest of us, maybe we should wait till it doesn't sell as well as the record company wants and he is forced to release a deluxe version with some new songs and a duet with Rihanna to boost sales. Listen for yourselves and decide. 

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S "SUIT & TIE"...SNAP JUDGEMENT

And it was with some fanfare that Justin Timberlake actually dropped a new song on the world called "Suit & Tie" after showing some ridiculous teaser trailer that said he sort of would but came off more like Brad Pitt's Chanel commercial. As a point of note I have enjoyed Timberlake's music, both "Cry Me A River" and "What Goes Around" are fantastic songs and he's proven he can do some jams. Of course, that was before someone convinced him he was a brilliant actor and he got sidetracked trying to become a "movie star". Granted he did well in "The Social Network", playing an egotistical douchy guy, but seriously, most people can be that way and I'm sure it wasn't that much of a stretch for him. So here we are nearly 7 years after his last full album and we have the first single from what will be called "The 20/20 Experience"-- a collection of 20(!) songs. Having listened to the new single nearly a dozen times now here's what comes to mind:

ugh..I hate it..it's going to be a huge hit--first singles usually are.

Does he really think he can drop any piece of crap and we will all just run out and buy it? Obviously yes, as of this writing it is already #1 on iTunes and getting lots of radio airplay meaning it will have a high debut on Billboards charts

His voice is higher--I don't mean Vienna Boys Choir high, but still seems higher than previously heard, has Jessica Biel got a lock on his balls?

Upon very first listen I thought--Robin Thicke has a new song out--how did he get Jay-Z to guest rap, cuz' he's not that famous or sober enough.

It's like 3 different songs in one, the weird plodding intro, the beat picks up for the falsetto slow groove poppy middle then the Jay-Z rap break at the end. So if nothing else, you are getting your moneys worth.

Seems it was produced by Timbaland, which isn't all that encouraging, as he's fallen off the producer map as of late and put out some utter crap--see everything on "Shock Value II".

At this point in his career it really isn't about the music with Timberlake, it's more the event of releasing something, knowing that people will lap it up (see above).

It will probably be a big R&B chart hit also. No one has served up this kind of white boy soul since Hall & Oates' "I Can't Go For That"--a #1 hit on the R&B chart back in the day--and yes it's still the jam.

And speaking of still the jam--will we really be remembering this song in 20 years time like Hall & Oates? I think not--it's a very passable, disposable song.

Will it hang around the charts? Probably for a bit, at least until the full album drops when folks will switch over and buy that instead. But a twittered about video could help keep it in the news. We will see after the initial sales and airplay burst.

It's not going to be popular enough to get people to sign on to MySpace (a company he co-owns now) nothing will ever get people to go through that again. People would rather pay the $1.29 for it on iTunes to not have to sign up for MySpace.

What does it all mean for me and you? Not much, if anything it will all just go to feed his ego which could be bad--see this first single as an example. Or it could, hopefully, push him to actually give us some slamming tracks, or at least some monster remixes. He still has 19 more tries--so don't f**k it up!

And yes--sigh--I will buy the album when it comes out. I am nothing but one of the music masses--FML.